Adult Children of Addicts: Support Groups and Healing

Growing up with a parent who has a substance use disorder shapes development in ways that often persist well into adulthood. Children of addicted parents learn to manage chaos, suppress their own needs, and adapt to unpredictable environments, survival strategies that serve them in childhood but frequently become obstacles in adult relationships, career functioning, and emotional health. The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) estimates that children of parents with substance use disorders are genetically and environmentally more vulnerable to developing addiction themselves, and research from the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study conducted by the CDC and Kaiser Permanente shows that parental substance abuse is one of the most common and impactful categories of childhood adversity. Healing is possible through therapy, peer support programs like Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA), and intentional work on the patterns that developed in response to a chaotic childhood.

Key Takeaways

• Children of addicted parents often develop survival-based behavioral patterns, including hypervigilance, people-pleasing, difficulty trusting others, and emotional suppression.
• The ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families) program provides a twelve-step framework specifically designed for healing childhood trauma from growing up in addicted or dysfunctional households.
• Adult children of addicts face an elevated risk of developing substance use disorders themselves, influenced by both genetic and environmental factors.
• Trauma-informed therapy approaches, including EMDR and somatic experiencing, are effective for addressing the developmental trauma associated with parental addiction.
• New Jersey offers ACA meetings, trauma-specialized therapists, and family support programs for adult children of addicts.
• Healing from the effects of parental addiction is a long-term process that does not require the parent to acknowledge the problem or enter recovery.

Growing Up with an Addicted Parent

Children who grow up in households where a parent has an active substance use disorder experience a fundamentally different childhood than their peers. The household is organized around the addiction, whether openly or through an elaborate system of denial and secrecy. Routines are unreliable. Emotional availability from the addicted parent fluctuates based on their substance use. The non-addicted parent, if present, is often consumed with managing the crisis, leaving limited bandwidth for the children’s emotional needs.

Common Experiences and Trauma

The experiences of children in these households share recognizable patterns:

Unpredictability and chaos. Mealtimes, bedtimes, holidays, and daily routines are disrupted by the addicted parent’s behavior. Children learn that plans are unreliable and that the household atmosphere can shift without warning. This creates a state of chronic hypervigilance: the child is always scanning the environment for signs of danger or volatility.

Parentification. Children in addicted households often take on adult responsibilities prematurely. They may care for younger siblings, manage household logistics, mediate between parents, or serve as emotional support for the non-addicted parent. This role reversal robs children of the developmental experience of being cared for and protected.

Secrecy and shame. Families affected by addiction frequently operate under an unspoken rule that the problem is not discussed, either within the family or with outsiders. Children learn that their home life is something to hide, which cultivates shame and prevents them from seeking help or sharing their experiences with peers, teachers, or other trusted adults.

Emotional neglect. Even when physical needs are met, the emotional environment in an addicted household is often impoverished. The addicted parent may be emotionally absent during use and remorseful or overcompensating during periods of sobriety. The non-addicted parent may be so focused on managing the addiction that the children’s emotional needs are overlooked.

Exposure to conflict and sometimes violence. Substance use frequently escalates conflict between adults. Children may witness verbal arguments, physical altercations, or the emotional aftermath of both. Even when they are not the direct target, exposure to domestic conflict creates trauma.

The Laundry List: ACA Traits

The ACA program identifies a set of common traits observed in adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families, known informally as “The Laundry List.” These fourteen traits describe behavioral and emotional patterns that many adult children of addicts recognize in themselves:

The traits include becoming isolated and fearful of people and authority figures; becoming approval seekers who lose their identity in the process; being frightened by angry people and personal criticism; becoming addicted to excitement or to people who are themselves addicted; confusing love and pity; having difficulty with intimate relationships; and judging themselves harshly while having low self-esteem.

These traits are not diagnostic criteria, and not every adult child of an addict will identify with all of them. However, the Laundry List provides a framework for self-recognition that many people find validating after years of not understanding why they behave the way they do.

Long-Term Effects of Parental Addiction

Relationship Patterns in Adulthood

Adult children of addicts frequently carry their childhood survival patterns into adult relationships, often without recognizing the connection. Common relationship difficulties include:

Difficulty with trust. Having grown up in an environment where the most important adults were unreliable, adult children of addicts often struggle to trust partners, friends, and colleagues. They may test relationships repeatedly, keep emotional distance, or sabotage connections before the other person can disappoint them.

Attraction to chaos. Paradoxically, many adult children of addicts find themselves drawn to relationships and situations that replicate the chaos of their childhood. Calm and stable environments may feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable, while high-drama relationships feel “normal.”

People-pleasing and difficulty setting boundaries. The survival strategy of monitoring others’ moods and adapting one’s behavior accordingly often carries into adult relationships as chronic people-pleasing. Adult children of addicts may struggle to identify their own needs, express disagreement, or establish boundaries without guilt.

Fear of abandonment. Emotional abandonment in childhood creates a template that many adult children of addicts carry into their adult attachments. They may tolerate poor treatment rather than risk being alone, or they may preemptively withdraw from relationships to avoid the vulnerability of depending on someone.

For more on the codependent dynamics that frequently develop in adult children of addicts, see Codependency and Addiction: Breaking the Pattern.

Increased Addiction Risk

Adult children of addicts face a well-documented elevated risk of developing substance use disorders themselves. This risk has both genetic and environmental components.

NIDA research indicates that genetics account for approximately 40 to 60 percent of a person’s vulnerability to addiction. Having a biological parent with a substance use disorder significantly increases genetic risk, particularly for alcohol use disorder, where the heritability is among the highest of any substance use disorder.

Environmental factors compound the genetic risk. Growing up in a household with active addiction normalizes substance use, provides early exposure, increases stress and adversity, and may limit the development of healthy coping mechanisms. The ACE Study found that each additional adverse childhood experience, including parental substance abuse, increases the likelihood of early initiation of substance use and later development of addiction.

Awareness of elevated risk is not deterministic. Many adult children of addicts do not develop substance use disorders, particularly when protective factors are present, such as a stable relationship with at least one non-addicted adult, access to mental health support, and education about the hereditary components of addiction.

For more on the genetic and environmental factors that influence addiction risk, see our guide on the causes of addiction and whether addiction is genetic.

ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) Program

How ACA Meetings Work

ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families): A twelve-step, twelve-tradition program founded in the early 1970s for adults who grew up in alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional households. ACA meetings focus on identifying and healing the effects of growing up in a traumatic family environment.

ACA meetings follow a structured format that typically includes a reading of the ACA problem statement (based on the Laundry List), a reading of the “solution” (the ACA promise of healing), and a sharing period. Meetings may be topic-based, step study-based, or structured around readings from ACA literature, particularly the fellowship text Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families (often called the “Big Red Book”).

ACA meetings tend to have a more explicitly therapeutic atmosphere than many other twelve-step programs. Discussions frequently address childhood memories, emotional patterns, and the connection between past experiences and present behaviors. While cross-talk rules vary by meeting, the general culture encourages vulnerability and emotional honesty.

Meetings are open to anyone who identifies as having grown up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. The definition of “dysfunctional” is broad and includes homes affected by mental illness, physical or emotional abuse, neglect, or any pattern that prevented healthy emotional development.

The ACA 12-Step Approach

ACA adapts the twelve steps with a specific focus on healing the “inner child,” a concept that refers to the emotional self that was wounded during childhood and continues to influence adult behavior. In ACA, Step One acknowledges powerlessness over the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family. The subsequent steps guide members through a process of honest self-examination, spiritual or philosophical growth, and behavioral change.

ACA’s step work differs from AA and Al-Anon in its emphasis on re-parenting. The program encourages members to become their own “loving parent,” providing themselves with the safety, validation, and nurturing that was absent or inconsistent during childhood. This concept is central to ACA’s therapeutic framework and distinguishes it from other twelve-step programs.

For a comparison of ACA with Al-Anon and AA, see Al-Anon vs. AA vs. ACA: Which Meeting Is Right for You?.

Other Support Options and Therapy

Trauma-Informed Therapy

For adult children of addicts who need more than peer support, trauma-informed therapy provides structured clinical treatment for the developmental trauma associated with growing up in an addicted household.

Trauma-informed therapy: A therapeutic approach that recognizes the widespread impact of trauma, understands potential paths for recovery, recognizes the signs and symptoms of trauma in clients, and integrates knowledge about trauma into policies, procedures, and practices. In the context of adult children of addicts, trauma-informed therapy specifically addresses the developmental disruptions caused by childhood exposure to addiction.

Effective therapy approaches for this population include:

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps adult children identify and modify the distorted beliefs that developed during childhood, such as “I am responsible for other people’s feelings” or “If I’m not needed, I have no value.”

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy works with the different “parts” of a person’s psyche, including protective parts that developed during childhood and exile parts that carry pain and shame. IFS is particularly well-suited to adult children of addicts because it directly addresses the internal conflict between survival strategies and authentic self-expression.

EMDR and Somatic Approaches

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is an evidence-based therapy originally developed for PTSD that has shown effectiveness for a range of trauma-related conditions. For adult children of addicts, EMDR can help process specific traumatic memories from childhood as well as the broader emotional patterns associated with growing up in a chaotic environment.

Somatic Experiencing (SE) and other body-based therapies address the physical component of trauma. Children who grew up in addicted households often carry chronic tension, hyperarousal, or dissociation in their bodies. Somatic approaches help release stored trauma responses and develop a healthier relationship with physical sensation and emotional experience.

For more on EMDR in addiction and trauma treatment, see our guide on EMDR therapy.

Finding Support in New Jersey

ACA Meetings in NJ

ACA has a presence in New Jersey, with meetings available in several counties. The ACA World Service Organization website (adultchildren.org) maintains a meeting finder that includes New Jersey groups. Virtual ACA meetings are also available and accessible to anyone regardless of location. These expanded significantly during the pandemic and have become a permanent part of ACA’s meeting infrastructure.

Many ACA meetings in New Jersey are held in community centers, houses of worship, and treatment facility conference rooms. Meeting times and locations can change, so checking the online directory for current information is recommended.

Therapists Specializing in Family Addiction Trauma

New Jersey has a robust network of therapists who specialize in childhood trauma and family addiction issues. When seeking a therapist for adult children of addicts issues, relevant qualifications include:

• Licensure: LCSW, LPC, LMFT, or licensed psychologist
• Specializations to look for: Childhood trauma, ACOA issues, codependency, family systems therapy, EMDR certification
• Directories to search: Psychology Today’s therapist finder (filterable by specialty and insurance), the EMDRIA therapist directory for EMDR-certified providers, and the NJ Division of Mental Health and Addiction Services referral line at 1-844-ReachNJ

Many treatment centers in New Jersey also offer family programming that is accessible to family members regardless of whether the addicted person is enrolled in their program. These programs may include psychoeducation about addiction as a family disease, group therapy for family members, and individual counseling referrals.

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This article is part of our comprehensive guide to supporting a loved one through addiction. For recommended reading materials, see Books and Resources for Children of Addicts. For a comparison of ACA with other support programs, visit Al-Anon vs. AA vs. ACA.

For more on the hereditary factors in addiction, see our guide to whether addiction is genetic.