How to Get Help for an Addicted Family Member

Getting help for a family member with a substance use disorder requires a different approach than most families expect. Confrontation, ultimatums, and emotional pleas, while understandable, are often less effective than structured, evidence-based strategies that address the addicted person’s ambivalence about treatment. Research on treatment engagement consistently shows that how families communicate about addiction significantly affects whether and when the addicted person enters treatment. The Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) approach, developed at the University of New Mexico, has demonstrated success rates for treatment engagement that significantly exceed traditional confrontational intervention methods. This guide covers practical strategies for starting conversations, navigating refusal, understanding professional intervention options available in New Jersey, setting protective boundaries, and accessing NJ-specific family resources.

Key Takeaways

• Evidence-based communication strategies, particularly the CRAFT approach, are more effective at encouraging treatment entry than confrontational methods.
• When a family member refuses treatment, families still have options, including working with a CRAFT-trained therapist, attending Al-Anon, and setting boundaries.
• Professional interventionists can facilitate structured conversations, but outcomes vary and the process is not always appropriate.
• New Jersey’s civil commitment law allows court-ordered treatment in certain circumstances, though this is generally considered a last resort.
• Setting boundaries, including asking someone to leave your home, is sometimes necessary to protect the family’s safety and well-being.
• NJ resources include 1-844-ReachNJ, NJ211, county mental health services, and multiple family support organizations.

Starting the Conversation About Treatment

Choosing the Right Time and Place

The timing and setting of a conversation about treatment significantly affect how it is received. Research on motivational interviewing and CRAFT methodology suggests several principles:

Choose a time when the person is sober or relatively sober. Conversations initiated when the person is actively intoxicated or in withdrawal are unlikely to be productive and may escalate into conflict.

Avoid starting the conversation during or immediately after a crisis. While the aftermath of a crisis (a DUI arrest, a hospital visit, a severe argument) may feel like a moment of leverage, the person is typically too emotionally flooded to engage meaningfully. Instead, note the crisis as something to reference later when the person is calmer.

Select a private, comfortable setting. Public confrontations increase defensiveness. A private setting where both parties can speak honestly reduces the performative elements that make productive conversation difficult.

Limit the conversation to one or two family members initially. Large group conversations, unless structured as a formal intervention with professional facilitation, often feel like an ambush and trigger defensive withdrawal.

What to Say and What to Avoid

The language used in conversations about treatment matters substantially. Approaches rooted in empathy and curiosity are consistently more effective than those rooted in accusation and shame.

Effective approaches:

• Express specific observations without judgment: “I noticed you missed work three times this month, and I’m concerned about what’s going on.”
• Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements: “I feel scared when I see how much you’re drinking” rather than “You’re drinking too much.”
• Express willingness to help with logistics: “If you’re open to exploring treatment, I’d like to help you figure out the options.”
• Acknowledge the difficulty: “I know this is a hard conversation. I’m bringing it up because I care about you.”

Approaches to avoid:

• Labeling: “You’re an alcoholic” or “You’re a drug addict.” Person-first language reduces defensiveness.
• Guilt-based appeals: “Think about what you’re doing to the children.” While factually valid, this approach typically increases shame, which research associates with continued substance use rather than behavior change.
• Comparisons: “Your brother doesn’t have this problem” or “Normal people can have one drink.”
• Ultimatums you are not prepared to enforce: Empty threats teach the person that consequences are negotiable.

For more on supportive communication during recovery, see What Not to Say to Someone in Rehab or Recovery.

When Your Family Member Refuses Help

Understanding Resistance

Resistance to treatment is the norm, not the exception. According to SAMHSA, the majority of people with substance use disorders do not perceive a need for treatment in any given year. This gap between objective need and subjective perception is influenced by several factors:

Denial and minimization. The person may genuinely not perceive their substance use as problematic, or they may acknowledge it privately but not be willing to admit it to others. Addiction affects the brain’s capacity for self-assessment, particularly the prefrontal cortex’s executive function.

Fear of withdrawal. Physical dependence creates a powerful barrier to treatment. For people dependent on opioids, alcohol, or benzodiazepines, the prospect of withdrawal can be genuinely terrifying, and in some cases medically dangerous.

Stigma and shame. Seeking treatment requires acknowledging a problem, which carries social stigma despite growing public education efforts. Fear of being judged by employers, friends, or community members prevents many people from taking the step.

Prior negative treatment experiences. People who have been in treatment before and relapsed may view another attempt as pointless. Addressing this requires understanding that relapse is common in chronic disease management and does not indicate treatment failure.

Loss of autonomy. Treatment, particularly inpatient treatment, requires surrendering control over daily decisions. For many people, this loss of autonomy is a significant barrier.

Options When Someone Won’t Go to Treatment

When direct conversation has not resulted in treatment entry, families have several pathways to pursue:

Work with a CRAFT-trained therapist. CRAFT provides a systematic approach for family members to change the dynamics that maintain addiction, reinforce sobriety, and strategically invite the person into treatment when their motivation is highest. CRAFT-trained therapists can be found through the CRAFT website maintained by the University of New Mexico’s CASAA.

Attend Al-Anon. Even when the addicted person refuses help, family members benefit from their own support. Al-Anon provides a framework for managing the emotional impact of a loved one’s addiction, setting boundaries, and making decisions about what the family member will and will not tolerate.

Stop enabling. Allowing the person to experience the natural consequences of their substance use, while difficult, removes the cushion that makes continued use sustainable. This is not punishment; it is a withdrawal of the protective behaviors that have been shielding the person from reality.

Consult an addiction specialist. Licensed Clinical Alcohol and Drug Counselors (LCADCs) and addiction psychiatrists can provide guidance specific to the family’s situation, including assessment of the person’s level of risk, recommendations for appropriate treatment levels, and strategies for engagement.

Professional Intervention Options

Hiring an Interventionist

A professional intervention is a structured conversation facilitated by a trained interventionist, in which family members and other significant people in the addicted person’s life express their concerns, describe the impact of the addiction, and present a pre-arranged treatment option with an immediate opportunity for the person to accept.

The most widely known intervention model is the Johnson Model, developed by Vernon Johnson in the 1960s. In this model, family members prepare letters describing specific incidents and their emotional impact, and the group presents these to the addicted person in a single, coordinated session. The session concludes with a direct request to enter treatment, often with bags packed and a treatment bed reserved.

Professional interventionists typically charge fees that can range significantly depending on the interventionist’s experience, the complexity of the situation, and whether travel is involved. Some treatment centers include intervention coordination as part of their intake services.

It is important to note that intervention does not work for everyone, and the confrontational nature of the Johnson Model has been critiqued by researchers who point to CRAFT’s higher engagement rates and lower risk of family rupture. Families considering intervention should discuss the approach with an addiction professional and ensure they are prepared for the possibility that the person refuses.

The Association of Intervention Professionals (AIP) certifies interventionists and maintains a directory searchable by location.

Court-Ordered Treatment in New Jersey

New Jersey’s civil commitment statute allows family members to petition the court to mandate substance abuse treatment for an addicted person who poses a danger to themselves or others. This process is sometimes referred to under New Jersey’s involuntary commitment laws for substance use disorders.

Key elements of the NJ process:

• A family member, physician, or other concerned party files a petition with the county court
• A screening process evaluates whether the person meets criteria for involuntary commitment
• The court may order treatment at a state-approved facility
• The commitment is time-limited and subject to periodic review

Court-ordered treatment is generally considered a last resort. It is appropriate when the person’s substance use poses an imminent risk of serious harm and all voluntary engagement strategies have been exhausted. The process involves the legal system and can be adversarial, which may damage the family relationship.

Families considering this option should consult with an attorney or contact the county mental health screening center for guidance on the process in their county. Each of New Jersey’s 21 counties has a designated psychiatric screening center that handles involuntary commitment evaluations.

For more on involuntary treatment options, see our guide to court-ordered rehab in New Jersey.

Setting Boundaries and Protecting Yourself

When to Set Firm Limits

Boundaries become necessary when the addicted person’s behavior threatens the safety, financial stability, or emotional well-being of other household members. Setting boundaries is not about controlling the addicted person; it is about protecting the people around them.

Situations that commonly require firm limits include:

• Substance use in the home, particularly when children are present
• Theft of money, valuables, or prescription medications from family members
• Verbal or physical aggression
• Driving under the influence with family members in the vehicle
• Repeated financial exploitation (borrowing money with no intention or ability to repay)
• Bringing other people who use substances into the home

Boundaries should be communicated clearly, enforced consistently, and established with the family member’s own support system (therapist, Al-Anon sponsor, trusted friends) in place before the conversation occurs.

Asking Someone to Leave Your Home

One of the most difficult decisions a family faces is whether to ask the addicted person to leave the home. This decision is emotionally agonizing and carries real risks, but it may become necessary when the person’s behavior creates an unsafe environment for other household members, particularly children.

Before asking someone to leave:

Understand the legal landscape. In New Jersey, residential tenants (including family members who have established residency) have legal protections against eviction without proper notice. Even if the person does not pay rent, they may have tenant rights. Consulting with an attorney or contacting NJ Legal Services can clarify the legal requirements.

Have a safety plan. If there is any risk of violence, plan the conversation carefully. This may include having another person present, conducting the conversation in a public place, or having law enforcement on standby.

Offer alternatives, not just an ultimatum. “You need to leave” is more productive when accompanied by “Here are the options I can support: treatment, a sober living house, or staying with another family member who is willing to host you.”

Prepare for your own emotional response. The guilt of asking a loved one to leave is intense. Having support from a therapist, Al-Anon sponsor, or trusted friend is essential for maintaining the boundary once it is set.

NJ Resources for Families Seeking Help

Hotlines and Helplines

1-844-ReachNJ is New Jersey’s primary substance use treatment helpline. Operated by the NJ Division of Mental Health and Addiction Services (DMHAS), it provides free, confidential referrals to treatment programs, family support services, and counseling. Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

NJ211 connects residents to a broad range of social services, including substance abuse treatment, mental health counseling, housing assistance, legal services, and family support programs. Available by dialing 211 or visiting nj211.org.

SAMHSA National Helpline (1-800-662-4357) provides free, confidential, 24/7 referrals for substance use and mental health treatment and support. Available in English and Spanish.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) should be contacted if the addicted person or a family member is in immediate crisis or expressing suicidal thoughts.

Family Support Programs

New Jersey offers multiple avenues for family support:

• County mental health boards in all 21 NJ counties provide referrals to local family support services, including support groups, educational programs, and counseling.
• NAMI NJ (National Alliance on Mental Illness, NJ Chapter) offers family support groups and education programs relevant to families dealing with co-occurring addiction and mental health issues.
• Al-Anon meetings are available in every NJ county, with more than 300 meetings statewide.
• Treatment center family programs are available at many NJ facilities and may be open to family members even when the addicted person is not enrolled.
• CRAFT-trained therapists can be located through the CRAFT website and through referrals from the ReachNJ helpline.

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This article is part of our comprehensive guide to supporting a loved one through addiction. For more on the difference between enabling and supportive behavior, see Enabling vs. Helping. For guidance on communicating with someone in treatment, visit What Not to Say to Someone in Rehab or Recovery.

For information about the process of getting someone into rehab, including intervention and treatment matching, see our guide to getting someone into rehab.